What a rollercoaster this has been. A week of being unwell. I say unwell, it was more an energetic cleansing, I felt it work its way through my chakras. From lower back pain, to constipation, loss of appetite, acid reflux, upper back pain, sore throat, sinuses and headaches. We're so quick to put a label on things when we're sick, a diagnosis, quick to blame others, or what's happening in the world that "made us sick". When in fact if we stopped and truly listened to our bodies we would see that there is growth, everything happens FOR us and not TO us. What IS your body trying to tell you? What is your soul telling you?
So what did I learn? Or what am I learning? the lessons never stop instead, they evolve.
So many insights and learning. I woke last night after a nightmare: Arriving at my childhood home, someone approached me from behind (female), grabbed me and put her hand over my mouth, I tried shouting for help but no one was hearing me.
It took me a while to work out what it was, but I could feel it rising, the emotions. it was like a volcano, coming deep within needing to come out.
I made some ceremonial cacao, drew an oracle card From Rebecca Campbell's "Work Your Light and allowed the release:
Transformation at deep cellular level, deep healing!
Old Childhood patterns rising to be healed.!
I soon realised however that this nightmare was me trying to always keep the peace, making sure everyone else was happy first before my own needs, shutting myself down so that the other could have their happiness over mine. Goodness I thought I had learnt this one, but clearly I hadn't and my soul was making get physical to see it! I was always known as the harmoniser, peacemaker, but also the people pleaser, running around taking care of everyone else's needs, making sure their needs were meant first, then I could relax! This woman in the nightmare was my shadow, keeping me quiet so that others wouldn't hear my needs. Like so many women who became mothers learnt to do: Look after everyone else first, the partner, the children, the house, the animals, the pets. I see this too now in being ill, it became so apparent. I always put myself last. As a mother this becomes almost automatic. I remember as my children grew up it was so easy to see. My daughters' Dad would come home from work and announce 'I'm going out for a run" and went. Just like that. Or at the weekend " I'm going for a bike ride, might be an hour or two". Something Mothers find VERY hard to do. Since when did you hear a mother jsut walk out and say " I'm going out, back in two hours", without thinking of EVERYTHING that needs doing first. We'd have spent the day caring for children, putting them first and just need a break.
As a mother it's "First I'll bath the children , feed them, get dad's dinner ready, clear the table, get schools stuff ready, clear the pots..." "Oh, no time for me then"...
It becomes second nature. If we didn't, we knew that the household would fall apart. But now those children are grown, I have grown, yet the habits stay. Make sure everyone else is fed, watered, happy, house organised, work done.
Yet how CAN we pour from an empty cup if we give to all except ourselves?
This doesn't mean just time, or doing what we love first, it means speaking up, being heard, having OUR needs met. It means being our authentic true self in every way, in all areas of life.
It's only when we stand in OUR absolute truth, that we allow others to see who we are, and allows them to stand too.
Being a people pleaser, people lean into you, you become a crutch for society, you fulfill everyone's needs except your own. I learnt early in in life that to speak up got me shot down. My father, loving as he was, had his volatile vocal moments. He always used to say: "Nicky understands me". I now realise he meant "Nicky knows how to keep the peace with me". I knew how he worked, straightening all those eggshells to walk safely on them. I did everything to keep the peace and that carried on into adulthood.
This shows up in so many ways, such as:
Don't rock the boat
Your needs don't matter
You don't matter
Your needs aren't important.
You're not important
Keep the peace
You aren't valued
You don't value yourself
You're not worth it
And then I realised too, how many people do you see that:
Totally undervalue themselves, who put themselves last, have the world putting them first?
That value themselves, and know they are worthy, be treated like underdogs?
Keep themselves small and are successful?
Don't believe their needs are important, have their needs totally met?
Do you begin to see?
Does the penny drop?
We could moan about how we are treated unfairly, how we can' seem to succeed, how people don't see our value, how we are walked over, we could blame all the world, partners, bosses, exes, family, friends, but until we change how we value ourselves NOTHING will change. Now, I've heard this and said it many a time, don't wait look in the mirror waiting for the reflection to change...But oh my goodness I saw it and felt it this time. I GOT it! I got it within me, not just by reading, writing, hearing the words. I felt it in my heart.
Once you feel it at cellular level, once the penny really drops. the healing starts. And I know, that once this changes, that girl , my shadow in the nightmare, she will let go, and me, my voice will be heard.
This is the power of staring DEEP into the eyes of your shadow. Of FEELING and identifying the emotions you feel, allowing them to come up and then sit with them and allow the magic to happen.
And this I have realised is the power of Cacao.